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A Battered & Stalked Woman
My husband and I were married in 1975. At first, starting about 1977/1978, the domestic violence was purely mental and emotional.
For example, he would come home and find me reading a book he didn't like; he would yell until I put the book down. So I stopped reading, then
watching TV, and then I stopped taking college courses all because it was easier to stop than to listen to his screaming and extremely nasty comments.
As a way to act out against me, he would destroy clothes that I wore because he thought I was too "noticeable" in them, as well as other personal
belongings that were precious to me.
The abuse becomes physical and deadly.
In 1979, the domestic violence became physical. It was small at first; he pulled my hair during an argument. Nothing happened for about 2 years and
then he hit me. Almost an entire year went by and he hit me again; then 6 months passed and he hit me again. From then on, he hit me more and more
frequently and the attacks became more physically violent.
In 1997, my husband's family killed my dog; they shot it in the head and tied it to a lamp post so I could see it. You see, at the time, they knew I
was at my limit and was going to press charges against him for all of the domestic abuse. They thought they could intimidate me into not pressing
charges. And to an extent, it worked. But by 1998, the physical pain and emotional torture was too much to bear.
I finally got the courage to bring the relationship to an end.
In January of 1998 I went to Legal Aid, and they gave me a form to fill out requesting protection under domestic violence statutes. I brought it home
and hid it under the mattress, praying he would not find it. Towards the end of the month he threw me against the wall. It left a large bruise on my
face and made me break the plate of food I was carrying. I calmly went to the word processor and filled out the form. I told him I was going to the
grocery store, but went to the bank and withdrew the filing fee and eviction fee. I filed on Thursday and received a call from the clerk on Friday
saying I had met the burden of proof necessary.
When he was finally evicted from our home (about a month after I filed the form), he broke 4 front teeth and caused a tooth to come through the skin
above my mouth and below the nose. My face was numb for about 5 months. The irony is that because it was "domestic
violence" -- and neither an assault by a
stranger, nor a car accident --, my insurance would not cover the necessary dental reconstructive work. I can still hear
him yelling at me as he was
placed in the deputy's car, "I will never forget this, and one day, when you least expect it, I will be back to kill you!"
My husband pled guilty to domestic violence in March 1998, after being removed from our home. After that, he used to call me and try to "win me
back"; he just could not understand that there was nothing left but fear. For years, he has reminded me he is ex-Military
Police and that he was
trained to kill without a gun. He loved to terrorize me by telling me how he could kill me, chop up my body, and make sure no one found me.
In early 2000, my husband was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon (an AK-47 to be exact). The assault was not against
me, but against a cable
employee, whom he didn't even know. Without any reason, my ex-husband tormented the cable employee with the weapon, firing "warning shots" and then
aiming the gun at him. He received probation, fled, and was subsequently arrested for probation violation. He went to prison for the probation
violation, and served almost 2 years in the pen.
Even after the divorce, my ex-husband and his family continued to torment me.
While my ex-husband was in prison, the divorce was finalized, but even then, he didn't leave me alone. He found out, through
a friend, that I owned a domain and had a Web site. The Web site was personal in nature and was therapeutic for me. I posted
stories and poetry I had written that reflected upon the domestic violence I had experienced. Statistics showed he visited
the Web site more than anyone else for 3 straight months. That alone was terrifying. We removed the guestbook because of the
horrid messages that were left. When I set up another Web site devoted to domestic violence, I had a friend register it
because I was afraid of my ex-husband.
Thereafter, my ex-husband contacted a mutual friend of ours (whom we had both known for 20+ years), and asked the friend if he knew someone who could
kill me. As it turns out, he called me and the authorities because, "he liked me and didn't want to see me with a bullet in my head." Again, because
of his manipulation of the system, the authorities were unable to take any real action against my ex-husband.
My ex-husband's sister emailed me in Dec. of 2002 or early Jan. 2003. She obtained my email address from the Whois info associated with my domain.
In those emails, she "dared" me to come find her, because she "wasn't afraid to finish the job her brother should have done." Yes, I took the emails
to my lawyer and all he could do was say that I needed to do everything I could to stay safe. I still have copies of the emails.
A private registration eased my fears greatly.
In the last 2 years, I have changed my phone number and moved out of state. I bought Domains By Proxy in April 2003 for my domain name. I needed to
prevent my ex-husband (or anyone else from accessing my personal info from the Whois database. I didn't want him to find out where I live or learn my
new phone number. Knowing that a private registration made it harder for him to find me, eased my fears greatly.
Of course, and after all the abuse, I still needed to take extra precautionary steps. I have dogs on my property; all the agencies I have worked with
recommended I get dogs so their barking will wake me at night. I had to buy a gun and learn to shoot it, and I am terrified of guns.
To this day, I am haunted by my ex-husband.
How do I feel? I live with fear every single day. I am agoraphobic and do not leave my home, except for doctor's appointments. I live with a cell
phone near my bed and a shotgun in the corner. I have nightmares -- nightmares of my ex-husband saying he will kill me. I wake up screaming, and in
a cold sweat. Not a day goes by that I don't face this, and decide that if I am going to die, it will be fighting to live.
As a result of the years of physical and mental abuse, I have chronic anxiety disorder, panic attacks and
post-traumatic stress syndrome, with horrid flashbacks. I have a rare autoimmune suppressant disorder of the bone marrow,
and a rare autoimmune liver disorder.
Still, I do advocacy work, when I am able, with other abuse survivors to try to help society understand that when a woman is murdered it is almost
always by man who knows her, an ex-boyfriend, ex-husband or just significant other, and a lot of times it is over legal proceedings. Specifically,
one of my doctors recommended an organization called The Dove Project, http://thedoveproject.org. I refer
people to this site because it is so informative. It is an organization that supports all of us by educating the public, lobbying the legislature, and granting money to help women break away from
their abusers.
The U.S. Government is making it easy for my ex-husband to find me.
I do not own a .US domain name; I own a .COM domain name. But I am scared that taking away private registrations from .US domains will be the first
step towards taking them away from all domains. I am petrified about what will happen when that day comes and my personal information is available
for anyone, anywhere. I am scared my ex-husband will find me and that when he does, he won't stop until he has killed me.
Why should I be faced with the choice of giving my domain away or letting it expire? It is inconceivable that the government wants to give my
ex-husband the tools to hunt me down and kill me. Why is this happening to me, a law-abiding citizen? Why can't I maintain the privacy of my domain
name? I simply can't afford to be a victim again. It IS a matter of life or death - mine.
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